There’s a book that Desmond Hume in LOST keeps tightly bound on his bookshelf and he makes sure he never reads it. The reason being that he believes that it’ll be the last book he ever reads before he dies.

I feel the same way about Monkey Island 2.

This strange theory came about about….holy crap, has it been about 20 years already…when Monkey Island 2 came out. My brother and I were huge Monkey Island fans, having played, and replayed, and replayed the first one. I didn’t even know what Monkey Island was when I bought it, but the guy behind the counter practically shoved it down my throat and told me it would be the best $30 I would ever spend. Well, he was pretty much right except for Great Giana Sisters.

But for some reason, I never played through to the finish of Monkey Island 2. I got busy, other games started taking up my time, I started my career, I even held a girl’s hand once. Monkey Island 2 just got put to the bottom of my ‘to do’ list.

This has driven my brother mental. For the last 20-odd years he has been dying to talk to me about the ending of that game. I of course, don’t want to be spoiled, so we’ve had to avoid the subject. It’s like the giant elephant in the room that we can’t talk about and we’ve been making small talk ever since. I mean, I’ve tried to play the damn thing. I have it on pretty much every system I own now, through legal and not-so-legal methods.

It’s just gotten so ridiculous now that me not playing it has become some sort of joke. You know those movies where the cop tells his partner he’s retiring today, and you just know he’s going to die the moment he does? That’s Monkey Island 2 for me. It’s my last gaming challenge – the one classic game I still haven’t beaten and I’m going to get run over by a truck the moment I do.

Which makes me wonder why I bought it again on the iPhone this week…I’ll let you know how I go.

I haven’t updated this blog in forever so instead of trying to play catch up I figured I’d just write once a week about whatever pressing concern is on my mind. Today I spent mostly outside doing Suburban Life things and my arms are sore and I have a headache so the last thing I want to talk about are the trees I chopped up and how to tie them up properly.

So instead I’ll talk about the most important thing on my mind, the simple fact that Sandra Bernhard is an evil bitch.

I mean look at her. No I’m not going to include an image here because let’s face it the comics aren’t much of a looker either so why make this site even uglier than it is already. But geez, that horrible permanent sneer, that scraggy hair, that “for Pete’s sake eat a freakin’ cheeseburger” frame…ugh, I just hate that looking at her.

But that’s not the worst of it. She represents the absolute worst aspects of the ’90s AKA best decade ever.

Case in point, Hudson Hawk. God damn do I love me some Hudson Hawk. I don’t care what you say about Hudson Hawk I thought it was an awesome movie. Heck even the Commodore 64 game was great, so great that I actually bought it and let me tell you hardly anyone ever bought Commodore 64 games. You should try it sometime. ANYWAY Sandra Bernhard was in Hudson Hawk and she was easily the worst part of it. That stupid scene where she’s on the bad guy’s desk singing that stupid I GOT THE POWER! song just clinched it.

I hate that song, I hate that scene and I hate Sandra Bernhard.

Then she was in Roseanne and I hate that show too, though Darlene was cute as all hell in it.

What, nobody remembers Webcrawler? I thought that thing was the bees knees back in the day. Then Google came along and made the internet actually usable. Thanks, Google!

Man, some of these ideas would actually work. I know the red or white thing would work pretty well as an iPhone app. Call me!

This was one of the good examples of me using Funny Webcomic to just vent about whatever is on my mind. I think the “Something Else” vote won out this week and I was staring blankly at my notepad during a lunch break, getting pissed off about all the noise from the Team Fortress 2 players.

Look I don’t have an axe to grind with the game, I think I own a copy of it somewhere. Just the NOISE it generates in the office is a bit over the top at times. Oh I long for the days when playing video games was a dirty, shameful exercise that was best done alone in a dark bedroom!

I didn’t really have a concept for this besides the silly title. You know how they teach you in storywriting books about how you should have a plot, and developed characters, and such, before you start putting stuff out into the world? It turns out that’s true!

I think they’re ’70s era crime fighting detectives that are comicly mismatched but ultimately offer each other complimentary skills. Blind Man is blind and Smelly Guy…smells a lot? Can smell good? Knows a lot about odors? I wasn’t really sure.